Revelation

Showering is my fortress of thoughts... while I stand there and just let the water fall on my head, it's like for thirty minutes of my life I am a little bit smarter. Lately I have been thinking about the belief that I used to carry concerning the consensus that if you love someone enough, that they would stop doing things for you... like hurting you, smoking, cheating, lying... but then I realized that the beauty of love embraces these choices... because without being able to do any of these we wouldn't have to learn how to forgive... it's like Jesus dying on the cross because he loved us... but he didn't love us so that we would stop... he loved us so that we could be forgiven.

Our paths change evry second... I'm sure of this... every second we make a choice... every second a baby is born... every second someone ceases to live. We chose who we love, we choose who we are nice to, we choose who we forgive... we choose to pray to God... Our choices affect and change our path. Some of us stay stuck though... stuck on that wrong, stuck with that heart, stuck with that person... we choose to stay bonded with someone who influences our path even more than we could imagine.... sometimes I ask myself what I am waiting for... sometimes I wonder if all of it is pointless... and all of the surrounding voices keep telling me to budge, but God has kept me grounded in this spot... for some odd reason, I can't move.

I have made some choices... with temptation... that could affect me... but I'm still stuck... we don't look for trouble, but it finds us... just like we don't look for fate, or forgiveness, but instead we wait for it to be given. I am supposed to seek guidance on the one thing that I want to run away from... but I'm freaking stuck here.... with this vision. All ofthe voices have made me see the bad, unlike before when I had to look for it... it seems as if now, I have to SEARCH for the good in all of it... I have to remind myself through all of the hurt that IT WAS GOOD...

maybe then, I will be able to let it go... but letting it go, isn't what's keeping me stuck... it's the reminder of the words that I said, meant, and felt... in an instant... that feeling that I don't get anymore... the complete loss of heart for someone who has inflicted anger and hurt... but my life is all but angry.... it's empty... and alone... because I ingnore the presence, the need for silence... it's the utter repulsion of the one voice I need to hear.

I wish that things could somehow be made simple... like yes, and no... but instead I get maybe. The inbetween is stopping my feet from moving... and my growth is making me hard and inpenetrable... It's like I'm unsure about it all... like I don't want to trust God...because I know that no matter what roadblock I put in the road, that somehow my path will still lead to things that I'm not ready to face.

I asked God to give me strength and paitience.... ughh... why couldn't I have asked for peace??? I enjoy noise...that's why.

I need to learn to forgive him, and with all of the good in us being so hard to find... it's like I have to search for hours before I find the ok-ness of any of it... and that sucks... because forgiveness doesn't come easy when you're hurt.

I just hope that God fixes all that was broken.