miss him.

I miss the hell out of matt... it's completely unavoidable.... GOD. I am always reminising... and it's not about loving him, or anything crazy like that... fuck no... he's not the man that I want in that way... but the matt who was my best friend for that whole month. The one who I watched the game with, laughed with, shopped with, prayed with. I miss him as a friend... but whatever, that won't change anymore. He's gone, and so am I.... But for future reference, "my door's open."

Revelation

Showering is my fortress of thoughts... while I stand there and just let the water fall on my head, it's like for thirty minutes of my life I am a little bit smarter. Lately I have been thinking about the belief that I used to carry concerning the consensus that if you love someone enough, that they would stop doing things for you... like hurting you, smoking, cheating, lying... but then I realized that the beauty of love embraces these choices... because without being able to do any of these we wouldn't have to learn how to forgive... it's like Jesus dying on the cross because he loved us... but he didn't love us so that we would stop... he loved us so that we could be forgiven.

Our paths change evry second... I'm sure of this... every second we make a choice... every second a baby is born... every second someone ceases to live. We chose who we love, we choose who we are nice to, we choose who we forgive... we choose to pray to God... Our choices affect and change our path. Some of us stay stuck though... stuck on that wrong, stuck with that heart, stuck with that person... we choose to stay bonded with someone who influences our path even more than we could imagine.... sometimes I ask myself what I am waiting for... sometimes I wonder if all of it is pointless... and all of the surrounding voices keep telling me to budge, but God has kept me grounded in this spot... for some odd reason, I can't move.

I have made some choices... with temptation... that could affect me... but I'm still stuck... we don't look for trouble, but it finds us... just like we don't look for fate, or forgiveness, but instead we wait for it to be given. I am supposed to seek guidance on the one thing that I want to run away from... but I'm freaking stuck here.... with this vision. All ofthe voices have made me see the bad, unlike before when I had to look for it... it seems as if now, I have to SEARCH for the good in all of it... I have to remind myself through all of the hurt that IT WAS GOOD...

maybe then, I will be able to let it go... but letting it go, isn't what's keeping me stuck... it's the reminder of the words that I said, meant, and felt... in an instant... that feeling that I don't get anymore... the complete loss of heart for someone who has inflicted anger and hurt... but my life is all but angry.... it's empty... and alone... because I ingnore the presence, the need for silence... it's the utter repulsion of the one voice I need to hear.

I wish that things could somehow be made simple... like yes, and no... but instead I get maybe. The inbetween is stopping my feet from moving... and my growth is making me hard and inpenetrable... It's like I'm unsure about it all... like I don't want to trust God...because I know that no matter what roadblock I put in the road, that somehow my path will still lead to things that I'm not ready to face.

I asked God to give me strength and paitience.... ughh... why couldn't I have asked for peace??? I enjoy noise...that's why.

I need to learn to forgive him, and with all of the good in us being so hard to find... it's like I have to search for hours before I find the ok-ness of any of it... and that sucks... because forgiveness doesn't come easy when you're hurt.

I just hope that God fixes all that was broken.

hmm..

Today is the day that the lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it!!!

I had so much fun today... work was awesome as usual, and then Kendra and I went on an adventure to a park. :) It was awesooommmmee..
I have decided that I am turning my life around. Well, I have been doing that lately... but I really enjoy just being joyful... so I am going to continue. :))

"Ashes and Wine"

Don't know what to do anymoreI've lost the only love worth fighting forI'll drown in my tear storming sea,That would show you, that would make you hurt like meAll the sameI don't want mudslinging gamesIt's such a shameTo let you walk awayIs there a chance?A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?A reason to fight?Is there a chance you may change your mind?Or are we ashes and wine?Don't know if our fate's already sealedThis day's spinning circus on a wheelI'm ill with the thought of your kissCoffee laced intoxicating on her lipsShut it outI've got no claim on you nowNot allowed to wear your freedom downIs there a chance?A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?A reason to fight?Is there a chance you may change your mind?Or are we ashes and wine?I'll tear myself awayThat is what you needThere is nothing left to sayButIs there a chance?A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?A reason to fight?Is there a chance you may change your mind?Or are we ashes and wine?The day's still ashes and wineOr are we ashes?

To him.

Dear Future Husband,

I just want to start off by saying that I love you... with all of my heart.. I don't know how I am living without you. I'm hurting... and I don't know what to do. I put my heart into a pointless relationship once more. I don't know how to stop.... I act on dumb impulse, and I am hurting everyone around me because of it... I need God... I need you.. wherever you are pray for me.

I love you,

Ali

this is me.

I am not perfect... actually, I am very far from it. I live my life from day to day wondering how I made it through the last... All that I can think about is running from God, concerning all of the things that I did wrong the day before....Why can't I just tell Him...He knows...He knows my heart....
He heard my cry...from the depths of my soul... he heard me..and he rescued my heart..... He loves me...even though I whispered sweet nothings in someone else's ear.... He knew what I really wanted...and he showed it to me...
All I wanted was LOVE...and divine intervention to stop my mind from wandering, and make my heart stop aching... All that I was doing wasn't real...it was artificial... I am finally waiting for something real... I want my prince to come and sit on my daddy's lap with me...and rejoice in all of the blessings that he has bestowed upon us...
I want my prince to know that I am not perfect, and that I have given my heart in pointless relationships before, but that I truly love him, and hope that he is willing to forgive me. I pray for him....and one day, my flesh will be as willing as my heart to wait.

whose line is it anyway?

Moses seems to be who people looked at as the "mesiah" of the Old Testament... but who would have known that he was afraid to speak... when the Lord of the heavens told Moses that he had a job for him, Moses got scared and tryed to pull away...thank goodness that the power of God gave Moses strenth to speak... if he hadn't then we would still be stuck...slaves in Egypt waiting for deliverance....

This hits me... The story of God's mercy is so powerful, and yet, Moses was afraid to SPEAK???? Come on... In our generation people spend years wishing for fame and fortune, but girls are afraid to speak up and out about rape, and sexual abuse... Sometimes, I wish that whenever we needed to say something that God would appear in the form of a burning bush, and say, "you need not worry... I will teach you what to say."

Why is it so hard for us to express our opinions in the form of words? We cut ourselves to say that simply, WE ARE HURTING...we wear black to say I AM MOURNING....we dye our hair to say I AM BORED WITH MY LIFE...we get plastic surgery to say I DON'T FEEL ADEQUATE ENOUGH....

How much easier would life be if we just speak up? Let the burning bush teach you what to say! Read his word, and express yourself with WORDS... actions do speak louder than words... however, that only seems to work when no one is willing to listen... "I am your God, I will never leave you nor forsake you." God listens...tell him... his yoke is easy, and his burden light.