insomnia.

ok, so i really need to be asleep at this moment... lbj hospital is a douche and signs me up for all morning appointments, with the exception of 2 weeks from now. hmmm. also, my baby keeps moving which is a constant reminder of the fact that we find out what my baby is tomorrow... not helping anything!

im just too excited to sleep.

lately ive been a bit cynical... well not really, but i havent really been the type of person who lets things get by me without noticing. pregnancy, for some unknown reason, makes you really smart. (well at least in my case). i notice that a lot of people dont have ambitions of their own... like they are always following someone else... and everyone else just wants to be followed... god, i feel like telling some people to get their own minds, and others to drop the freaking ego. just because youre good at something doesnt mean that you have to be like kanye west and make a scene about it...

all youre really doing is showcasing every other insecurity that you have.

i feel as if this is why dj and i are doing so well with each other. we know each other too well first off, to have alter egos, and second with the baby coming, your insecurities are kind of out on the table. you cant afford to hide things about who you are anymore. its nice to be myself with someone, and i know he feels the same... i really need to thank god more often for this man instead of cursing him. shit, he may be broke, but he is struggling to make a better life for me. and he may not be in the best circumstance, but he makes me happier than ive ever been. sometimes i wish i didnt gripe so much about the bad, and let him see how much i really love all of the good.

well now im kind of sleepy!
hope this touches someone in need.

peace.

shade of poison trees

wow! i havent been on here in forever. look at me now... laying in bed, in houston, tx, five months pregnant. it is definately an understatement to say its been a crazy ass year!

i guess i should start off by telling people why i really left lcu... i needed a freaking change... i didnt wanna sit in class with my ex anymore, or see him around campus gloating... it was like it was humorous to him that i was hurting so badly, and he could just up and move on so easily... like he was so strong. yeah, nope, he was a weak ass person, and it took me a whole year to find that out. it's funny how when you are so entangled with someone how awesome you think they are, and when reality sets in, weakness shows out. i was a really weak person for letting that consume me for all of those months.

shit, i basically let it make me fail almost all of my classes, miss enough days to be dropped from all of them, and just be completely self destructive. god! i was really horrible in that time... i needed this change more than anything...i even got drunk enough on superbowl to get raped... and then drunk enough another time to cry during a philly and detroit basketball game, and spill my whole story to another drunk stranger, who cried with me, so i started praying.. ive never prayed as hard as i did that week.

i woke up one morning and just knew... houston it was... i feel really stupid admitting that a guy made me drop out of school.. well i cant say that was it completely, i was pretty unhappy in lubbock. truly though, i see now that fate landed me here, with dj. i really had to leave... that was one of the only sure as crap things that i knew god wanted from me.

dj and i definately had our share of mess, and me my share of heartache with him, but he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. he and god both saved my pathetic life... and they continue to do so constantly, even though dj doesnt know he's doing it half of the time.

we're having a baby now... haha, completely unprepared financially, but we will definately be awesome parents. :) this baby daily is making us fall deeper in love... i swear. ive sacrificed so much, and so has he. it's so weird and mushy to say what i just did, but its so true! i can see it... im so thankful for him, and even though we are struggling so bad right now, ive never been happier... minus the hormones that make me hate my life a lot of the time. lol.

i feel god moving in my life more than ever now! i guess not spending half of it feeling convicted... i just live my life, and am surrounded by the love that god unconditionally has for me... even if im not doing all of the things im supposed to!

i wonder if anyone will read this.. i wonder if this will reach anyone who needs it. i suppose god willing huh? thats how it all gets done in the end. :)

well peace out. im gonna sleep now. :)