I can't belive that I just called Alex at 3:20 in the morning to read him a blog I wrote 3 years ago. God, you make me do some CRAZY things... It feels good to feel you presence in my life again though.... I have missed you SOOOOO much. You have no clue. If this blog was the only reason that you let me get into this entangled mess of things for the past week, then thank you... I have fallen so short of your glory... and your wisdom... HOW could I have been so FOOLISH?? I can't believe that I could have turned away from you like I did. I let heartbreak from a relationship get in the way of a relationship that saves my life daily... I want to shout your praises from the rooftop... and as crazy as this may sound, I KNOW for sure now that you are in that tree when I pray. God I need to change a lot of things. I don't like the way that I have been living my life... I want to live for you again... I have been running away from the good that I felt in your holy presence Lord. I can't help it but to be excited!! I feel like it's all coming together for me now. I feel like I have seen the much needed light at the end of the tunnel; the light that I haven't been searching for, but was eager to see. How can you find something though when you aren't even searching? Oh God, I can't say it enough, but I have missed you so much!! I want to just grab the first person I see and pray with them. I hope that my life steadily turns out to get better, and that I don't forget this feeling when I return home to the chaos. Help me to find you in all that I do Lord. And thank you Lord, for Alex. Without him, and John, I would have never come back here. I needed you so badly. I can't explain the ways! I love you God. Thank you for all that you have given, and done for me. Words cannot explain how amazing you are!!
Amen
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Lost
Dear Lord,
Today I found out that a friend of mine was put in jail last night. His brother is suffering greatly from this loss. Unfortunately, I cannot be the one to console him. I just pray that you are with him tonight especially. I pray that he turns to you in his pain dear God because you can heal great pain with your loving hand better than any human touch. I pray that this prayer fills his heart with peace, and that he is able to sleep through the night soundly. I pray that in the midst of all of the bad that is going on right now, that he finds strength and wisdom in you oh God. Please help him to overcome any feelings of hurt or regret, because this is your plan and not his. Help him to have the wisdom to realize this, and not take fault for the things that have occured. I also pray that you be with his brother, who is probably feeling a lot of regret right now. I pray that you also help him to have the wisdom to see this situation in your light, and the courage to see things in a positive light. I pray that you give the family a positive outlook on a gloomy situation, and that you bring them together in this hard time. To know that someone is in a jail cell almost feels like losing a life, but let them know that they are in fact gaining one, God. I know that if you allowed this to happen that it will turn out for the best. God, help Alex to be strong Lord. He may feel as if he has fallen from your graces, but I hope that tonight he finds his solace in you. God I thank you for all of the many blessings that you have bestowed upon me, and I thank you for your unconditional love and forgiveness... For I am one of the worst sinners, and your light shines in me because of this. Let me be more like you, and instead of me giving humanly comfort, let me give heavenly comfort. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Today I found out that a friend of mine was put in jail last night. His brother is suffering greatly from this loss. Unfortunately, I cannot be the one to console him. I just pray that you are with him tonight especially. I pray that he turns to you in his pain dear God because you can heal great pain with your loving hand better than any human touch. I pray that this prayer fills his heart with peace, and that he is able to sleep through the night soundly. I pray that in the midst of all of the bad that is going on right now, that he finds strength and wisdom in you oh God. Please help him to overcome any feelings of hurt or regret, because this is your plan and not his. Help him to have the wisdom to realize this, and not take fault for the things that have occured. I also pray that you be with his brother, who is probably feeling a lot of regret right now. I pray that you also help him to have the wisdom to see this situation in your light, and the courage to see things in a positive light. I pray that you give the family a positive outlook on a gloomy situation, and that you bring them together in this hard time. To know that someone is in a jail cell almost feels like losing a life, but let them know that they are in fact gaining one, God. I know that if you allowed this to happen that it will turn out for the best. God, help Alex to be strong Lord. He may feel as if he has fallen from your graces, but I hope that tonight he finds his solace in you. God I thank you for all of the many blessings that you have bestowed upon me, and I thank you for your unconditional love and forgiveness... For I am one of the worst sinners, and your light shines in me because of this. Let me be more like you, and instead of me giving humanly comfort, let me give heavenly comfort. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
insomnia.
ok, so i really need to be asleep at this moment... lbj hospital is a douche and signs me up for all morning appointments, with the exception of 2 weeks from now. hmmm. also, my baby keeps moving which is a constant reminder of the fact that we find out what my baby is tomorrow... not helping anything!
im just too excited to sleep.
lately ive been a bit cynical... well not really, but i havent really been the type of person who lets things get by me without noticing. pregnancy, for some unknown reason, makes you really smart. (well at least in my case). i notice that a lot of people dont have ambitions of their own... like they are always following someone else... and everyone else just wants to be followed... god, i feel like telling some people to get their own minds, and others to drop the freaking ego. just because youre good at something doesnt mean that you have to be like kanye west and make a scene about it...
all youre really doing is showcasing every other insecurity that you have.
i feel as if this is why dj and i are doing so well with each other. we know each other too well first off, to have alter egos, and second with the baby coming, your insecurities are kind of out on the table. you cant afford to hide things about who you are anymore. its nice to be myself with someone, and i know he feels the same... i really need to thank god more often for this man instead of cursing him. shit, he may be broke, but he is struggling to make a better life for me. and he may not be in the best circumstance, but he makes me happier than ive ever been. sometimes i wish i didnt gripe so much about the bad, and let him see how much i really love all of the good.
well now im kind of sleepy!
hope this touches someone in need.
peace.
im just too excited to sleep.
lately ive been a bit cynical... well not really, but i havent really been the type of person who lets things get by me without noticing. pregnancy, for some unknown reason, makes you really smart. (well at least in my case). i notice that a lot of people dont have ambitions of their own... like they are always following someone else... and everyone else just wants to be followed... god, i feel like telling some people to get their own minds, and others to drop the freaking ego. just because youre good at something doesnt mean that you have to be like kanye west and make a scene about it...
all youre really doing is showcasing every other insecurity that you have.
i feel as if this is why dj and i are doing so well with each other. we know each other too well first off, to have alter egos, and second with the baby coming, your insecurities are kind of out on the table. you cant afford to hide things about who you are anymore. its nice to be myself with someone, and i know he feels the same... i really need to thank god more often for this man instead of cursing him. shit, he may be broke, but he is struggling to make a better life for me. and he may not be in the best circumstance, but he makes me happier than ive ever been. sometimes i wish i didnt gripe so much about the bad, and let him see how much i really love all of the good.
well now im kind of sleepy!
hope this touches someone in need.
peace.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
shade of poison trees
wow! i havent been on here in forever. look at me now... laying in bed, in houston, tx, five months pregnant. it is definately an understatement to say its been a crazy ass year!
i guess i should start off by telling people why i really left lcu... i needed a freaking change... i didnt wanna sit in class with my ex anymore, or see him around campus gloating... it was like it was humorous to him that i was hurting so badly, and he could just up and move on so easily... like he was so strong. yeah, nope, he was a weak ass person, and it took me a whole year to find that out. it's funny how when you are so entangled with someone how awesome you think they are, and when reality sets in, weakness shows out. i was a really weak person for letting that consume me for all of those months.
shit, i basically let it make me fail almost all of my classes, miss enough days to be dropped from all of them, and just be completely self destructive. god! i was really horrible in that time... i needed this change more than anything...i even got drunk enough on superbowl to get raped... and then drunk enough another time to cry during a philly and detroit basketball game, and spill my whole story to another drunk stranger, who cried with me, so i started praying.. ive never prayed as hard as i did that week.
i woke up one morning and just knew... houston it was... i feel really stupid admitting that a guy made me drop out of school.. well i cant say that was it completely, i was pretty unhappy in lubbock. truly though, i see now that fate landed me here, with dj. i really had to leave... that was one of the only sure as crap things that i knew god wanted from me.
dj and i definately had our share of mess, and me my share of heartache with him, but he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. he and god both saved my pathetic life... and they continue to do so constantly, even though dj doesnt know he's doing it half of the time.
we're having a baby now... haha, completely unprepared financially, but we will definately be awesome parents. :) this baby daily is making us fall deeper in love... i swear. ive sacrificed so much, and so has he. it's so weird and mushy to say what i just did, but its so true! i can see it... im so thankful for him, and even though we are struggling so bad right now, ive never been happier... minus the hormones that make me hate my life a lot of the time. lol.
i feel god moving in my life more than ever now! i guess not spending half of it feeling convicted... i just live my life, and am surrounded by the love that god unconditionally has for me... even if im not doing all of the things im supposed to!
i wonder if anyone will read this.. i wonder if this will reach anyone who needs it. i suppose god willing huh? thats how it all gets done in the end. :)
well peace out. im gonna sleep now. :)
i guess i should start off by telling people why i really left lcu... i needed a freaking change... i didnt wanna sit in class with my ex anymore, or see him around campus gloating... it was like it was humorous to him that i was hurting so badly, and he could just up and move on so easily... like he was so strong. yeah, nope, he was a weak ass person, and it took me a whole year to find that out. it's funny how when you are so entangled with someone how awesome you think they are, and when reality sets in, weakness shows out. i was a really weak person for letting that consume me for all of those months.
shit, i basically let it make me fail almost all of my classes, miss enough days to be dropped from all of them, and just be completely self destructive. god! i was really horrible in that time... i needed this change more than anything...i even got drunk enough on superbowl to get raped... and then drunk enough another time to cry during a philly and detroit basketball game, and spill my whole story to another drunk stranger, who cried with me, so i started praying.. ive never prayed as hard as i did that week.
i woke up one morning and just knew... houston it was... i feel really stupid admitting that a guy made me drop out of school.. well i cant say that was it completely, i was pretty unhappy in lubbock. truly though, i see now that fate landed me here, with dj. i really had to leave... that was one of the only sure as crap things that i knew god wanted from me.
dj and i definately had our share of mess, and me my share of heartache with him, but he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. he and god both saved my pathetic life... and they continue to do so constantly, even though dj doesnt know he's doing it half of the time.
we're having a baby now... haha, completely unprepared financially, but we will definately be awesome parents. :) this baby daily is making us fall deeper in love... i swear. ive sacrificed so much, and so has he. it's so weird and mushy to say what i just did, but its so true! i can see it... im so thankful for him, and even though we are struggling so bad right now, ive never been happier... minus the hormones that make me hate my life a lot of the time. lol.
i feel god moving in my life more than ever now! i guess not spending half of it feeling convicted... i just live my life, and am surrounded by the love that god unconditionally has for me... even if im not doing all of the things im supposed to!
i wonder if anyone will read this.. i wonder if this will reach anyone who needs it. i suppose god willing huh? thats how it all gets done in the end. :)
well peace out. im gonna sleep now. :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Revelation
Showering is my fortress of thoughts... while I stand there and just let the water fall on my head, it's like for thirty minutes of my life I am a little bit smarter. Lately I have been thinking about the belief that I used to carry concerning the consensus that if you love someone enough, that they would stop doing things for you... like hurting you, smoking, cheating, lying... but then I realized that the beauty of love embraces these choices... because without being able to do any of these we wouldn't have to learn how to forgive... it's like Jesus dying on the cross because he loved us... but he didn't love us so that we would stop... he loved us so that we could be forgiven.
Our paths change evry second... I'm sure of this... every second we make a choice... every second a baby is born... every second someone ceases to live. We chose who we love, we choose who we are nice to, we choose who we forgive... we choose to pray to God... Our choices affect and change our path. Some of us stay stuck though... stuck on that wrong, stuck with that heart, stuck with that person... we choose to stay bonded with someone who influences our path even more than we could imagine.... sometimes I ask myself what I am waiting for... sometimes I wonder if all of it is pointless... and all of the surrounding voices keep telling me to budge, but God has kept me grounded in this spot... for some odd reason, I can't move.
I have made some choices... with temptation... that could affect me... but I'm still stuck... we don't look for trouble, but it finds us... just like we don't look for fate, or forgiveness, but instead we wait for it to be given. I am supposed to seek guidance on the one thing that I want to run away from... but I'm freaking stuck here.... with this vision. All ofthe voices have made me see the bad, unlike before when I had to look for it... it seems as if now, I have to SEARCH for the good in all of it... I have to remind myself through all of the hurt that IT WAS GOOD...
maybe then, I will be able to let it go... but letting it go, isn't what's keeping me stuck... it's the reminder of the words that I said, meant, and felt... in an instant... that feeling that I don't get anymore... the complete loss of heart for someone who has inflicted anger and hurt... but my life is all but angry.... it's empty... and alone... because I ingnore the presence, the need for silence... it's the utter repulsion of the one voice I need to hear.
I wish that things could somehow be made simple... like yes, and no... but instead I get maybe. The inbetween is stopping my feet from moving... and my growth is making me hard and inpenetrable... It's like I'm unsure about it all... like I don't want to trust God...because I know that no matter what roadblock I put in the road, that somehow my path will still lead to things that I'm not ready to face.
I asked God to give me strength and paitience.... ughh... why couldn't I have asked for peace??? I enjoy noise...that's why.
I need to learn to forgive him, and with all of the good in us being so hard to find... it's like I have to search for hours before I find the ok-ness of any of it... and that sucks... because forgiveness doesn't come easy when you're hurt.
I just hope that God fixes all that was broken.
Our paths change evry second... I'm sure of this... every second we make a choice... every second a baby is born... every second someone ceases to live. We chose who we love, we choose who we are nice to, we choose who we forgive... we choose to pray to God... Our choices affect and change our path. Some of us stay stuck though... stuck on that wrong, stuck with that heart, stuck with that person... we choose to stay bonded with someone who influences our path even more than we could imagine.... sometimes I ask myself what I am waiting for... sometimes I wonder if all of it is pointless... and all of the surrounding voices keep telling me to budge, but God has kept me grounded in this spot... for some odd reason, I can't move.
I have made some choices... with temptation... that could affect me... but I'm still stuck... we don't look for trouble, but it finds us... just like we don't look for fate, or forgiveness, but instead we wait for it to be given. I am supposed to seek guidance on the one thing that I want to run away from... but I'm freaking stuck here.... with this vision. All ofthe voices have made me see the bad, unlike before when I had to look for it... it seems as if now, I have to SEARCH for the good in all of it... I have to remind myself through all of the hurt that IT WAS GOOD...
maybe then, I will be able to let it go... but letting it go, isn't what's keeping me stuck... it's the reminder of the words that I said, meant, and felt... in an instant... that feeling that I don't get anymore... the complete loss of heart for someone who has inflicted anger and hurt... but my life is all but angry.... it's empty... and alone... because I ingnore the presence, the need for silence... it's the utter repulsion of the one voice I need to hear.
I wish that things could somehow be made simple... like yes, and no... but instead I get maybe. The inbetween is stopping my feet from moving... and my growth is making me hard and inpenetrable... It's like I'm unsure about it all... like I don't want to trust God...because I know that no matter what roadblock I put in the road, that somehow my path will still lead to things that I'm not ready to face.
I asked God to give me strength and paitience.... ughh... why couldn't I have asked for peace??? I enjoy noise...that's why.
I need to learn to forgive him, and with all of the good in us being so hard to find... it's like I have to search for hours before I find the ok-ness of any of it... and that sucks... because forgiveness doesn't come easy when you're hurt.
I just hope that God fixes all that was broken.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
hmm..
Today is the day that the lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it!!!
I had so much fun today... work was awesome as usual, and then Kendra and I went on an adventure to a park. :) It was awesooommmmee..
I have decided that I am turning my life around. Well, I have been doing that lately... but I really enjoy just being joyful... so I am going to continue. :))
I had so much fun today... work was awesome as usual, and then Kendra and I went on an adventure to a park. :) It was awesooommmmee..
I have decided that I am turning my life around. Well, I have been doing that lately... but I really enjoy just being joyful... so I am going to continue. :))
Thursday, February 26, 2009
"Ashes and Wine"
Don't know what to do anymoreI've lost the only love worth fighting forI'll drown in my tear storming sea,That would show you, that would make you hurt like meAll the sameI don't want mudslinging gamesIt's such a shameTo let you walk awayIs there a chance?A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?A reason to fight?Is there a chance you may change your mind?Or are we ashes and wine?Don't know if our fate's already sealedThis day's spinning circus on a wheelI'm ill with the thought of your kissCoffee laced intoxicating on her lipsShut it outI've got no claim on you nowNot allowed to wear your freedom downIs there a chance?A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?A reason to fight?Is there a chance you may change your mind?Or are we ashes and wine?I'll tear myself awayThat is what you needThere is nothing left to sayButIs there a chance?A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?A reason to fight?Is there a chance you may change your mind?Or are we ashes and wine?The day's still ashes and wineOr are we ashes?
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